A few photos and a bunch of memories..m

Dear John,

Lately I have been thinking about things that I wish I wasn't. one of the most common things I keep thinking about is that fight I had with her. I miss her but I know our friendship is over for good. It just hard knowing I spent almost 5 years of my time with her and now what do I have to show for it?

A few photos and a bunch of horrible memories of us fighting but in all those memories there are a few good ones.

Like the time she was moving into her place and it was just her and I in her empty living room with just a TV. And instead of turning the TV on we just sat there talking about our future. After a while we turned some music on and danced around laughing. That nightade everything bad that ever happen disappear for a few moments like everything was okay.

Or the time she had mono and I still came over every day and we just sat in a room watching movies and talking about boys and school. There was no fighting, no trust issues.

I remember when she first moved back down we would go to the mall and she would wear these horrible purple jeans that at the time I thought were the most coolest jeans ever. At the beginning everything seemed amazing I miss the old her. In a way she will always be a big part of my life. I miss the thirteen year old us and I can't believe our friendship is finally over. Apart of me is scared because I dont have her there anymore but another part of me, and I say this not meaning to be rude is so god damn relieved she is finally gone.
I guess the fortune teller was wrong we aren't soul sisters and never again will be.

I'm just your secret.

Dear John,

I watch you with her and wish it was me. I was afraid at first that you would hurt me and I still am, I feel like one of those gullible lovers in the movies that think, the man  they love might be willing to leave his significant other for. I watch you with her and you smile. I want you to look at me and say you love me out loud for the world to hear. I want you to show me that you love me and not sneak around to do it, I'm not your past lovers, I'm not them at all. You know how much it takes for me to trust and love someone, you know I've been burned before. I really hope your not screwing around with my heart and mind.

I know I sound horrible to other people if they read this, I'm the "secret", the "home wrecker''. But truth I just want to be yours, and never asked to love you. Or for you to love me back. I want you to know that you're the first man that has said he loved me and meant it.  or at least I hope you mean it..

I wish I didn't have to watch you with her. I wish it was me you were laughing with and smiling at everyday. But it's not it is her. My heart aches so much when I see you two. It feels like someone rips out my heart and I can't breathe. I wish you knew how much it hurts to watch you love someone else for so long.

If you truly loved me like you say you do, you would find a way to be with me. a way to love me and not behind her back but in front of the world to see. I want you, and only you. Nothing will ever change and I know that deep down but secretly I wish it will.

Maybe one day but truth is your with her, and I'm  alone. I'm just your secret...

Jane, I'm sorry.

Dear Jane,

The past couple years have been horrible for you, some of it I could have helped prevent but didn't.
I'm sorry,  I love you like my own sister and maybe even more, you make me laugh, and feel like I will always have someone there for me.

I want you to know I am so sorry for all the pain and suffering I watched you go through that was cause by those two. I wish I could take all your pain away because you didn't deserve to be treated like that. I'm glad we are still friends and that everything is like it was I'm glad I can call you my best friend.

I love you Jane, like my sister. You will always be family to me.  Forever

Elephant Shoes...

Dear John,

Sometimes I wish things weren't so complicated, I wish I could tell you I love you to your face every day. To be able to wrap my arms around you and hug you. Every time I see you now my heart aches knowing the truth. That we can never be together for real.

I wish I had never been shy in the first place, and just told you from the start that I thought you were such a gentlemen. If only things had been different. If only I had spoke up when we spoke..

I enjoy our talks, and the way you look at me, I love the way you make me smile and laugh when everything around us is in total blackness. John I wish I could show you how much you mean to me, and not just by saying so.

John, I love you. Forever and Always.

Its never enough

Dear John,

I thought I would try writing letters to anonymous people. So these are my Dear John/Jane letters.

John, I have spent years, days, hours trying to make you be proud of me. Christmas just past,I spent all my money and time, buying you and planning your gift. I spent more time even though our relationship is still rocky, I feel the need I have to please you and, not just that I do love you as much as I can  now. But what you did make me feel horrible hiding them right when u get them and criticize everything about it. Then you had the balls to criticize what I bought my mother. It was better then what you bought her. I at least try.. I wish you could see how much pain you cause me. How Much you hurt me emotionally. To know just how much I actually care about what you have to say and about you period.


I just wish you knew....